Behind the scenes of preparation day for “Weighted” photo series.

I don’t know how to start this blog.

As of late I’m not really sure I know how to start anything. It’s been ten months since I’ve uprooted my life in The Bronx and decided to move to Los Angeles. When I say uprooted, I mean it wholeheartedly. The only home I ever had was back in The Bronx. Twenty-six years of my life spent in one apartment building. I saw and felt the walls that once raised me, cave in on me. I was getting older, I craved new experiences, and I wanted a better life for myself. I wanted to pursue my photography career further. I wanted to do the things my immigrant parents couldn’t imagine I would be able to do.

As of late, I don’t know what to share.

Ten months ago I moved to Los Angeles. The first few months felt like vacation. I was finally in paradise. First time moving on my own. Finally breathing, freely moving around, and finding myself in a beautiful partnership (totally unexpected).

As of late I don’t know what the f*ck is happening.

I’ve been allowing myself to feel the hard downs of being a creative in a new city. No blood relatives around, adulting for the first time for real, worrying about creating, and then worrying about money you don’t have to pay bills AND create (which is the whole reason you’re in Los Angeles to beginning with). It’s a mindf*ck. If I haven’t said it already I am not here to glamorize the creative life or process. because it all honestly can suck most times, like really bad.

As of late, I’ve been stumbling.

I have been unclear, ungrounded, out of balance, uninspired, unmotivated. I’ve been stumbling y’all.

My partner and I took a trip to New York recently. It was the refresh we both needed. It was my first time feeling like a tourist and a vacationer in my own city. It was also my first time, in a long time, seeing. I saw my old life in a new perspective. I saw my loved ones getting older, I reminisced on the things that made me love the city. Even through this season of stumbling, it reminded me how grateful I am (we give thanks!). It brought me clarity. I saw community.

I saw community

Something I tend to not see is the community and love that surrounds me. I am a loner in that way. I used to get bullied growing up, so I feel like everyone has a motive or doesn’t really want to help me for the greater good. I’m working on it. Especially in California.

This has been the first time in my life where I have everything I need but, have a hard time receiving. Meeting my new community in Los Angeles has been beautiful and it isn’t until this very moment that I am able to realize it.

Man that trip east was eye opening in ways that I will one day tell you about. Right now I’m getting to know y’all and myself again. The tea will come.

Today,

I went to the studio with my partner and a good new friend I made out here. We went to prepare for a photoshoot I conceptualized. Inspiration has been hard to come by lately, when this image came across my phone I thought “ I need to recreate this”. My ego has been fighting me with the fact that it wasn’t an “original” idea. but what is art if not an imitation of something we saw in the world? something that inspired us. Later I would find out the photographer is someone I follow on Instagram.

I’ve been working with my ego. Allowing myself to become inspired by other artist and their techniques. Like David LaChapelle finding inspiration in other people and using that to carry his truth. I am allowing myself to fully open up to the process. Showing you all the downs and the ups. Showcasing my brain in sketches, words, photographs, and mixed media. Sharing with the world my feelings and processes in art does not correlate with someone “taking” my art or “copying”. It’s called being inspired.

In my season of stumbling, I’ve learned a couple of things. Learn to receive the love and help you asked for, be open to all the weird sh*t that’s going to happen in a new city, be OK with not being ok, and be at peace if you can’t create for a period of time. You may stumble into a new medium, you may not, you may need a second to catch your balance to be able to pick back up that thing you love the most. Photography.

I am not a hundred percent back creatively but, I am doing my best everyday to get back into a creative and clear space. I cannot wait to share my personal project Weighted which is about my current season of stumbling, feeling lost, and having this weight of my new and old life on my shoulders.

Stumble